Live by the word, die by the word.

Click me.

2009-11-11T13:01:00.005-05:00

Haha you thought I'd updated my blog but instead it's just a diagram of how to achieve Enlightenment through religion.

Suckers.

2009-03-05T04:17:00.008-05:00

prose.'s poem

2009-03-05T03:52:00.005-05:00

poem.

pedestrians!
please pause perambulation,
ponder pithy poem's
puzzling proclamation:

prose.'s prolix,
paradoxical pirate-paradigm
preludes prefix
plus practically [rhymes].

prose. proposes pro-rose
proles' prolific purpose:
perform phalanx
picnic protests. pretext:

parleying parliaments
"planetary peace presuppose!"
pleasant peasant penitent pheasants
parallax pax praxis phoenixes!

prose.'s palate
proved pallid palette
pelting potent portent
parlance pellets.

palliate pretentious pedagogue,
prose.'s pen polars polite.
paper-printed prologue
prophecies poet's plight:

proximal pantry
presides professor plum. plump plum
palms plumbic plumbing pipe purposefully.
prances, pounces!

pummels parietal powdery,
plucks pudendum,
pilfers pearls, painfully
perishes pretty princess.

police prosecution?
plum's perfectly
poker-faced:
"practising protestant."

preposterous partisan peacock:
paste-pot patriarch possessing printing press
(plus pet plebeians, phylactery,
porsche platoons, processing plants).

paragon? piffle! plum's paltry poultry.
presuming patrician's prejudice's
prefigured, plum's probably
pardoned promptly. pity.

petty panda's podium
pillages panderer's pandora's [box],
prepackages pixelated pabulum pogrom,
publishes pandemonium pox.

privatized pinocchio pundits pun,
ploying phony [fnord] plutonium.
plot plainly profits
poisonous panjandrums.

paramilitary prophets
pilot purloined planes, powerfully
perforating paired pillars
pyrotechnically.

poppycock parroting politicians
perform perfunctory pantomimes.
perplexed peons
play peekaboo palestine.

pied piper primate presidents
procure petroleum pipelines.
padres pirouette, polka,
plunk pianos part-time.

plainsclothed panzer popes
patrol pew'd palaces' precrime.
pompous psychopomps
ponderously pontificating

persecuting patent pending
poetic presentation:
pentabarfs preaching
pathologic P-alliteration

predominantly 'pon pavlovian "patriotic"
pixies predestined past prime:
pernicious parables pacifying
pathos petrified philistines.

pachacamac pops prozac, polymorphs prosaic.
puff, puff, pass potent paranoia panacea. parasitic
playboy-paladin punk pricks
proudly port paraplegic

purse poodles, parade prada, pose panegyric.
priced poltergeists' pharisaic
pecking-order's plethora'd plutocratic
problems prove proverbial pink pachyderm pandemic.

poignant presidings
persnickety poesy purports:
penumbral pentagrams
poise pointing pitchforks

perversely palpating
protagonist's pineal [gland].
puck promises powerful pacts placed,
purveying personal power... potentially.

perhaps philosophize practising
prototype psyche-putsch plan?
please persevere populace.
phantasmagorically,

prose.

ps: prose. "pwned" poetry.
postponed potency...?
pending pg,
pomegranate preferring persephone.

poem's perused,
please proceed.
prose. prays poem
proved pleasing [read]. :p

Dalton McGuinty is a intellectual coward.

2009-02-06T14:37:00.009-05:00

Mr. McGuinty responded to me oh boy oh boy I'm so glad he values his consituents' opinions and pays attention to them. I bet he has a really well thought out counter-argument to... oh.

Thanks for your online message regarding Bill 126, the proposed Road Safety Act, 2008. I appreciate hearing from you.

Ontario was the first jurisdiction in North America to introduce a
comprehensive graduated licensing program in April 1994. We have
listened closely to the views and concerns of Ontarians and are
confident that our proposed plan finds the right balance to give new
drivers better skills and the experience necessary to drive safely.

Teenage drivers are about 3.5 times more likely to be involved in a
fatal collision. For this reason, a zero blood alcohol concentration
level for all drivers 21 years of age and younger will be mandatory.

While Ontario's roads are among the safest in North America, our
government will continue its efforts to heighten road safety across the
province. Lengthening the driver training period will give young and
novice drivers more time to develop a lifetime of safe driving habits
and help make the province's roads even safer for all drivers.

Thanks again for contacting me. Your input is always welcome.

Dalton McGuinty
Premier of Ontario

My response:

"Listen?" Hogwash you "listen."

If you --or rather, your secretary in charge of ignoring what your constituents actually say-- had "listened" or "actually read my email" you would have encountered this undermining little paragraph:

"Expecting a blood-alcohol content of 0.00 is patently absurd. The human body naturally produces trace amounts of alcohol. Many types of medication include alcohol and even using mouthwash can cause a breathalyser to register up to 0.02."

To blithely respond with your token related (debunked) talking point on the matter demeans us both and speaks volumes about your respect for your constituents' intellect. I believe in recycling, Mr. McGuinty, but this is insulting. If you don't have anything to say, shut up. Don't waste my precious email bytes with your noxious political poppycock. There are important breast-enlargement and Viagra ads that could be using that space instead.

Ah but I see you have pulled an unsourced factoid out of your anus: "Teenage drivers are about 3.5 times more likely to be involved in a fatal collision." Would you mind spending a mere sentence correlating that to alcohol before you start pooping out idiotic, ageist, mandatory restrictions that are factually impossible to achieve or would that require too much critical thinking for a politician?

I cannot help but notice that you only addressed my least strong argument and that you directly avoided responding to the fact that this is ageist persecution or to the fact that this bill completely eliminates the possibility of designated drivers, forcing more teenagers to take their own cars home, resulting in more drunk drivers on the road. Could it be that you are too cowardly to admit when you are wrong?

Your policies are laughably ill-conceived. You are an old man shouting at children to get off your lawn. I remind you that I am 21, I do not drink alcohol and I have never had a driver's licence nor driven a car. This does not affect me directly. I am merely another disgusted citizen poking holes in your sinking ship.

To reiterate from my previous correspondence then, and to sum up in a way that even your simian brain can hope to process: You are a fool and an ageist bigot. You are unfit to serve in public office a moment longer and I demand your immediate resignation along with a written apology to the youth of this nation for treating them as second class citizens.

It seems that my choice of diction in my last letter was too reserved and you didn't get the message clearly enough:

Go fuck yourself, Mr. Premier.

'Cause that's what you just said to all of us.

Cedric Freeman

As always if you feel like dropping some ideas into the void that is Dalton's horrible website, you can "contact" "him" here.

It should be noted that responses to anything he sends you have to go through this channel as well because Dalton McGuinty doesn't actually give a shit what you think and despises two-way communication. He also kicks puppies.

A Dangerous Precedent indeed...

2008-12-12T01:51:00.003-05:00

I found this copy/pasted on one of the forums I frequent, written by a man who knows a great deal more about the subject than you or I and who's a lot less rude about it than me:

The Governor General's Decision to Prorogue Parliament: A Dangerous Precedent

by Andrew Heard*
Associate Professor
(last updated Dec 8, 2008)

The Governor General has reached a very difficult and historic decision in agreeing to the Prime Minister’s request to prorogue Parliament on December 4, 2008. While there are sound arguments to justify that decision, the balance of arguments reveals this to be a dangerous precedent allowing future prime ministers to justify fundamental abuses of power. This decision also greatly undermined the ability of our newly elected legislators to freely decide who has their confidence to govern following an election. It is important to work through the issues involved in this decision as they relate to fundamental principles that all future governors general must try and balance in a time of constitutional crisis.

A difficult decision implies that there are good reasons to decide in either direction, and there are several to defend the decision to prorogue. First and foremost, the Governor General has a duty to intervene in the political process as little as possible. She is an appointed official, and she must allow ample room to let the elected politicians try and resolve crises between themselves. They alone are directly accountable to the electorate and should be given considerable latitude to resolve a crisis.

Secondly, the governor general is bound to normally act on any constitutional advice offered by a prime minister who commands the confidence of a majority in the House of Commons. Since the Conservative government won the confidence votes held on the speech from the throne in the last week of November, Mr Harper could apparently address the governor general with authority.

We can assume that the governor general based her decision to grant prorogation on these two principles, that she should intervene as little as possible and that she should follow the advice of a prime minister who had won the most recent test of confidence in the Commons. Judged just on this application of these two principles, her decision appears to be a sound one.

However, a governor general is bound to consider much more in reaching such an important decision. Not only can both of the principles mentioned above also justify refusing prorogation, but the governor general is obliged by other principles that further reinforce a refusal.

First of all, the governor general’s decision was actually going to be a substantial intervention in the political process regardless of whether she granted prorogation or not. Indeed her decision to grant Mr Harper’s request has in fact prevented our elected members of parliament from resolving the issue in a timely fashion. The governor general was clearly informed by the opposition parties of their desire and intent to vote no confidence in the government on December 8th, and to support an alternative government.

Parliament’s ability to vote confidence in a government is all the more important in the early weeks following an election that produced only minority parties. Only the elected members of the House can determine who has the right to govern in a minority situation. The incumbent prime minister has a right to meet parliament after an election, but only that. The prime minister must win and maintain the confidence of parliament in order to continue governing. The governor general has prevented a newly elected parliament from expressing its judgment on the prime minister.

Secondly, the prime minister’s request to prorogue parliament to avoid defeat on a vote of confidence is of highly questionable constitutionality. Scholars around the Commonwealth have decried such a possible tactic. Such an event had not happened in modern, stable parliamentary democracies, because prime ministers have understood their duty to face parliament. It is completely unprecedented in Canada in modern times. It does happen in moments of turmoil in unstable political systems, such as occurred in Sri Lanka in 2001.

Other doctrines guiding the work of governors general arise from their duty to ensure that the basic principles of parliamentary democracy are allowed to function. The first and most important principle of parliamentary democracy is that the government of the day must win and maintain the confidence of the House of Commons. Thus a governor general has a central duty to ensure there is a government in office who commands the confidence of Parliament. This duty is particularly important in the early months following elections that return a House of Commons divided among minority parties. By suspending Parliament, the governor general has prevented it from fulfilling that duty.

The particular vote annulled by prorogation was all the more crucial since the government had already delayed it by one week. In the context of the very opening weeks of a new minority parliament, any vote of confidence becomes crucial as the House decides who has their confidence. Furthermore, the opposition parties used this delay to agree to a new government which would be supported by a majority of members. A signed agreement ensured that all of the opposition parties, with a majority of members in the House, would support a coalition government for at least 18 months. A documented, alternative government reinforced the governor general’s duty to ensure that that MPs could vote on the scheduled confidence motion. This impending vote and the existence of an alternative government greatly undermined the prime minister’s authority to advise prorogation.

The fact that the government had won its vote of confidence on the speech from the throne did not establish an unquestionable right to govern, especially since the government’s motion on the address in reply was successfully amended with very important caveats. The government delivered its economic statement on the very same day that the speech from the throne was approved. This economic address was the first major piece of government business to be proposed in the new Parliament, and it was immediately rejected by all three party leaders in the House. Their instant rejection of the measure and the subsequent agreements they signed demonstrably undermined the authority of the government.

The existence of an alternative government is also crucial to the governor general’s ability to refuse the prime minister’s advice, or to insist the prime minister do any specific thing (such as agree to an election). A fundamental constitutional convention requires that a prime minister must accept political responsibility for the governor general’s exercise of any of her prerogative powers. Although there are certain circumstances in which the governor general may use her own discretion, there must be a prime minister accountable to the House of Commons in place after that decision to accept political responsibility. If the current prime minister will not agree, then the governor general must appoint another who will.

Since it is an established tradition that a prime minister will resign if the governor general refuses his or her advice, the governor general cannot refuse advice without being certain in advance that another individual will accept appointment as prime minister afterwards. By agreeing to become the new prime minister, that individual must necessarily defend the governor general’s decision to the public at large. In this case, the opposition parties had clearly told the governor general that they were prepared to support a new prime minister.

In our parliamentary system, the governor general’s position also exists to provide a last bastion against abuses of power by the government. Such protection is all the more important for matters where there is no recourse to the courts. The basic functioning of responsible government and operations of Parliament are not subject to judicial review and, therefore, the governor general stands as the only bulwark against certain constitutional abuses.

The combination of these factors produce a powerful argument that the governor general had a duty to refuse the advice to prorogue parliament. This conclusion is underlined by the following summary of principles and their application to the decision to prorogue:

The governor general has a broad duty to let the normal political actors and processes resolve political problems. Without the prorogation of Parliament, the normal political actors would have resolved the issue on December 8. The political resolution of the problems have now been delayed for at least two months. Although the government promised to deliver the budget on January 27, there is no deadline for holding the actual votes on either the budget or the new speech from the throne.

The governor general has a duty to act on any constitutional advice offered by a prime minister who enjoys the confidence of the House of Commons. But, the advice to prorogue parliament is arguably quite unconstitutional. The prime minister’s authority was also greatly undermined by the existence of a signed agreement for an alternative government supported by the majority of MPs only two weeks into a newly elected Parliament.

The governor general can only refuse advice if she can appoint an alternative government. Opposition leaders had written to the governor general several days ahead of her meeting with the prime minister. She was clearly informed that the majority of MPs intented to vote no confidence in the current government and of their commitment to support an alternative government for a minimum of 18 months.

The head of state in a parliamentary system exists to protect the state from serious abuses of power by the government for which there is no judicial remedy. It is quite clearly an abuse of power, in principle, for a government to suspend parliament for two months when faced with imminent defeat. The abuse was all the more striking in this case, because Parliament was only 3 weeks old after an election that returned a minority Parliament.

A fundamental litmus test for any important decision by a governor general is what kind of precedent it sets for the future. By granting prorogation, the governor general not only allowed the current prime minister to escape almost certain defeat in a confidence motion, but she also set the stage for every future prime minister to follow suit.

With this precedent, any prime minister can demand that the governor general suspend parliament whenever he or she believes they are certain to lose a vote of confidence. And since the Constitution only requires that Parliament meet once within a 12 month period, the “time out” bought by prorogation can be a significantly long period. This precedent is a damaging and dangerous consequence of the governor general’s decision. If this precedent stands, no future House of Commons can dare stand up to a prime minister without danger of being suspended until the prime minister believes the House has been tamed.

Other considerations, such as the need for a prolonged cooling off period, the lack of an electoral mandate for a coalition, or the role of the Bloc Quebecois are absolutely none of the governor general’s concern when making a decision on constitutional grounds. They are purely political matters that must be left to Parliament to sort out in its own time and ways. Indeed, it would be highly improper for her to base the decision on such factors.

The governor general failed to defend Canadian parliamentary democracy and has opened the door to repeated abuses of power by future prime ministers. Our newly elected MPs were about to pronounce authoritatively on who would have their confidence to govern, but they were shut down instead. We elect parliaments not governments in Canada, and Parliament must be free to determine who governs after an election.

___________________________________________

* Prof. Heard's publications on constitutional conventions include the book Canadian Constitutional Conventions: The Marriage of Law and Politics, Toronto: Oxford University Press, 1991 (2nd edition in progress) and several articles: “Just What is a Vote of Confidence? The Curious Case of May 10, 2005” (2007) Canadian Journal of Political Science, 395; "Constitutional Conventions and Parliament,"(2005) 28 Canadian Parliamentary Review (2) 7; "Constitutional Conventions and Election Campaigns," (1995) 18 Canadian Parliamentary Review (3) 8; "Recognizing the Variety Among Constitutional Conventions," (1989) 22 Canadian Journal of Political Science 63;

My letter to Stephen.

2008-12-04T22:37:00.003-05:00

I wont bore you with the details Mr. Harper as I'm sure you're getting enough mail and will likely never read this --or any of the other scathing emails you get from outraged Canadians across the country-- but I must voice my utter contempt for your actions even if it's just a drop in the barrel. You know what you've been doing. You know why it's wrong and you just don't care. Do you, sir?

So here it is: You are a coward and a liar, sir. You are afraid of democracy in action and you are afraid of losing power. You do not have (or even have respect for) Canadian values, you show contempt for the Arts and Canadian culture, you backtracked (re: lied) on campaign promises not to mention that whole "no election for two years" thing, you have attempted to bankrupt your opposition and you play Rovian political games of fear tactics, media manipulation and the promotion of wilful ignorance.

I did not vote for you, I never would vote for you, but at least a few months ago I respected you as my leader if not as a person.

Though it is perhaps somewhat petty under normal circumstances to send vague scathing emails to politicians, I absolutely need you to know that you repulse me on a fundamental level. I would say it to your face if I could. Your actions are wrong. You are wrong. The Canadian people do not support you.

Go join the Republican Party in the States, sir. I'm sure they'll just love you. Canada, however, is better than you and your ilk.

Respectfully,

Cedric Freeman-Wilson

As always, if you want to be an immature dick to your elected officials too, you may contact Mr. Harper at pm@pm.gc.ca

My letter to Dalton

2008-11-19T03:58:00.006-05:00

Mr. McGuinty,

My name is Cedric Freeman. I am a 21 year old Toronto resident. I bike everywhere and have never had a driver's license nor do I drink alcohol yet I am deeply offended, if not flatly disgusted, with your support of the new legislation persecuting young drivers suggested by Tim Mulcahy and Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) which includes:

A total ban on alcohol consumption

A ban on more than one teenage passenger

Zero tolerance for speeders – one ticket and they're off the road.

Zero tolerance policies in any situation are imbecilic at best. It's one thing to judge new drivers (regardless of age) differently than experienced drivers (i.e. the Graduated Licensing system), but to have different punishments for different ages (all of which are over the age of majority, mind you) is outrageous and conflicts directly with the Charter. In case you don't remember the Charter I have included the relevant excerpt here:

Section 15

Equality Rights

1. Every individual is equal before and under the law and has the right to the equal protection and equal benefit of the law without discrimination and, in particular, without discrimination based on race, national or ethnic origin, colour, religion, sex, age or mental or physical disability.

Expecting a blood-alcohol content of 0.00 is patently absurd. The human body naturally produces trace amounts of alcohol. Many types of medication include alcohol and even using mouthwash can cause a breathalyser to register up to 0.02.

The restriction of only allowing only one teenage passenger is too stupid to even contemplate. I am awed and terrified that anyone with a modicum of power allowed that idea to be written down let alone suggested as law. By your own admission three 19 year olds could not soberly drive to Church together under this legislation. This idea would render carpooling impossible and "designated drivers" illegal. MADD, Tim Mulcahy and now you have systematically demonstrated that you are not rational people. Are you trying to increase drunk driving Mr. McGuinty? What sane person would make this illegal? Society should not be punished because a few incompetent parents can't teach their kids to drink responsibly.

In the Globe and Mail you were recently quoted as saying “We owe it to our kids to take the kinds of measures that ensure that they will grow up safe and sound and secure, and if that means a modest restriction on their freedoms until they reach the age of 22, then as a dad, I'm more than prepared to do that.”

Thus in one fell swoop did you reveal your ignorant, ageist bigotry to the nation. You are unfit to serve in public office and I demand your immediate resignation.

Shame on you Mr. McGuinty.

Cedric Freeman

If you wish to contact Premier Dalton McGuinty yourself, go here.

My brief conversation with Laurence.

2008-11-04T16:33:00.003-05:00

[16:19] 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO (The red ones lose faster): Obama/Biden are a Vulkan and a Starfleet Captain sent back in time to thwart a Borg plot to institute a Ferengi as the President of the United States.
[16:20] Laurence: Ron Paul is the failed Klingon ploy to gain supremacy in the soon-to-be emerging federation.
[16:20] 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO (The red ones lose faster): snort!
[16:21] 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO (The red ones lose faster): A reversion to the gold pressed latnum standard is the solution to the galactic economic downturn.
[16:22] 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO (The red ones lose faster): I figure Cindy McCain is the Feringi's borg overseer. All that botox.
[16:23] 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO (The red ones lose faster): but I can't quite place Palin yet.
[16:24] 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO 'ERE WE GO (The red ones lose faster): I suspect the Enterprise-E may have crash landed in Alaska and she's actually just a human from this time zone who's been infiltrating the Ferengi for Picard and trying to disrupt them as best as possible.
[16:29] Meebo Message: Laurence is offline

Gorilla Serialist's patented guide to being better than everyone else.

2008-05-18T02:19:00.003-04:00

Part I: Insulting People Who Are Dumber Than You Are.

"Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original , and the part that is original is not good."
~ Samuel Johnson (1709-1784)

Now let's face it, the world would just be a better place if everybody was me. Plain and simple. Unfortunately, barring some amazing advances in both cloning technologies and biological warfare, this is actually surprisingly unlikely to happen. I know, it's tragic, but there's only so much I can do. As a meagre substitute, I intend to teach you all to be a bit more like me in a series of thought provoking and highly informative lessons. The first of my lessons will begin to teach you how to talk like me and to do that, you will have to know some damn good insults.

Lovingly crafted and carefully executed, a well designed insult is something to be cherished. Indeed you can tell a lot about a person from the way they choose to insult you (and they will insult you--don't think for a second that they wont). It is your civic duty to amass a plethora of insults of your own. Storing them up in your tiny rat brains like so many nuclear bombs in a cold war of depreciative utterances.

The key to a winning an insult joust is wit. A good insult demonstrates three things.

Firstly, that you are far, far more intelligent than the ignorant sap you have chosen to belittle.
Second, that they deserve to be degraded because they have demonstrated that they are an inferior creature to you and should be treated as such.
Third and finally, a truly masterful insult will even go so far as to subtly imply that you are doing the target of your ridicule a favor in calling attention to their faults so that they may finally be aware of at least one thing in their dreary little cockroach lives, even if that one thing is only their own utter insignificance.

We must love our insults, we must be proud of them. Because a civilization is only ever as good as the derogatory comments made within it. Here, for example are a few choice ones from history to whet your fetid imaginations:

"If only he'd wash his neck, I'd wring it."
~ John Sparrow

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."
~ Winston Churchill

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
~ John Bright

"Gentlemen, Chicolini here may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you, he really is an idiot."
~ Groucho Marx

And two from that warrior of witticisms, Oscar Wilde:

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends”

The age old battle of the sexes has resulted in some truly blistering snide remarks, spiteful jabs and lambastes:

"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult."
~ Charlotte Whitton, former mayor of Ottawa (1896-1975)

"A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke."
~ Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936)

This should go without a whisper, but for the witless to wrestle with the wittiest, be wary these words of whiny wisdom: Alliteration in your insults gets you bonus points. Here are a few I hold patents on for example:

A Why you agnostic Antichrist! You apathetic, antisocial, autocratic, alliterating, antediluvian, antique asscake!

B Blast you, you bombastic, boring, boondoggle-blathering, bone-headed, baffling buffoon! (Or Captain Haddock's favourite: Billions of bilious, barbecued, blue blistering barnacles!)

C Curse you, you conniving coprophiliac crustacean!

D I defy you, you degenerate demagogue! You destitute dolt!

E Enunciate effectively you enraging, ectoplasmic eunuch!

F Find some other fanciful folk to farm you felon! Freud would have a field day with you, you flatulent, fraudulent, felonious failure-fish!

G Get gone you geriatric, gonorrhoea-gifted gigolo! You gibbering, globular Gorbachev!

H To Hades with you, you hateful, hooch huffing harlot!

I Intelligent? Hah! You idiot. You're an ignorant, impotent, impudent invertebrate!

J Jerk off you jeering, Jesus jousting, joint jonesing, jaundiced Jezebel!

K Keep away you kainotophobic, kakistocratic, kooky, kite-flying Kafkaesque nightmare! You kleptomaniacal kobold! I'll knubble you, you kitschy, kuru-infested kyloe!

L Lick lead you lazy, leeching, long-winded, lactating, lily-livered, literature lifting loser!

M Mind your manners you misanthropic, malodorous miscreant! You moronic molecule!

N Not now not never you noxious, narcissistic, Neanderthal ninny!

O Oi! Over 'ere you obtuse, Oedipal, object-obfuscating orangutan!

P Piss off you pernicious, pill-popping, poppycock parroting, pandering pipsqueak!

Q Quiet you quitlessly quoting, quacky, quaintly quilted question quagmire!

R Really? Well you're a rectally-raped rodeo clown reciting redacted R. Crumb rants!

S Sod off you sickening, sycophantic, syphilis-sneezing sauropod!

T Tie your tailcoat to a train you tiring, tipsy, turpentine-toking twit!

U Up ur's U ugly, ululating usurper!

V Verily! Vamoose you violently verbose vagina! You vandalizing vagrant! You vegetarian!

W Whatever works you weaselly, wilted, willy-wanking, worthless worrywart!

X Xena, Warrior Princess!

Y Yeah you an' what army you yogurt yiffing, yellow yes-man?

Z 'Zat so? Well you're nothing but a zoocephalic, zoophiliac, zalambdodont zaftig zabernistic zealot! You ziggurat of zany, zig-zagging zorillas! You zyzzyva!

Now if you EVER somehow get the opportunity to go through all of those in alphabetical order, pounce on it because you will look like a linguistic bad ass. I managed to do this once in Saudi Arabia to an especially belligerent barkeep and his mates. You can only imagine how that conversation went down. Funny story really, I lost my third nut making good my escape but it was totally worth it.

Gorilla Serialist's Life Plan (TM)

2008-03-24T07:18:00.008-04:00

People often say to me "Gorilla Serialist, you are the most brilliant mind to ever stomp across our humble Terra Firma."

People also occasionally ask me questions and, even more occasionally, I've been known to answer them. Last week, while I was saving a group of orphans from a fire in Kenya, a little girl named Zhiang asked me why bad things happen to good people.

I told her that the only way that a man can test the goodness of his heart is by overcoming the hardships set before him. That a man must be judged not for his actions, or for his sins, or for how he starts things, but for how he chooses to end them.

I told her that our entire lives are suffering and that only in forging his will in the heat of tragedy, tempering it with anguish and cooling it in the waters of sorrow does a man learn his own true nature and I told her that only in rising above the bad things can a man be given the opportunity to be good.

Then I told her not to worry her pretty little head about any of that gobbledygook because she's a woman so she's already going to burn in Hell forever anyway. So, y'know, go live a little.

Anyway a while back, a good friend of mine -- who, bless her plutonium heart, will be burning in Hell for all eternity as Beelzebub's personal pincushion, semen bucket and general torture test subject irregardless of the inherently Evil, yet comparatively trifling, lack of a Y chromosome in her genes (Don't worry 'Liv you'll love it there. Dimebag plays duets with Charles Mingus every night) -- asked me what my life plan was. No doubt she took notes, and so, filthy reader, should you:

To start, I will cease all narcotic consumption entirely and apply for a small, safe job in a cubicle on one of those tiny side streets north of Bloor near Bay or Yonge that isn't quite Bay or Yonge but y'know... they try.

I'll settle down and have a wife and two kids by the age of 27.

I will get one or two small promotions, enough to consign me to a middle management career, unable to rise further.

I will go to the bar on Fridays and watch the game then go home and get an unsatisfactory blow job from the maid before going upstairs and going to bed with the wife who I pretend to love while secretly fantasizing about Xena, Warrior Princess.

I will watch Leno and think it's funny.

I will Golf on Sundays, wear socks with sandals and eat mayonnaise on everything. Everything.

Then, on May the 5th, in the Year of Our Lord Two Thousand and Twenty One, my Eldest son's sixth birthday, I will torture, slaughter, sodomize and then burn the corpses of my entire family as a sacrifice to myself.

I will declare myself Rex Mundi and feast on raw human flesh, gnawing the eyes from my children's faces and wearing the skin of my wife as a holy robe.

After that I will pin the crime on a member of a social minority, collect the life insurance and move to the Southern United States where I will become a televangelist.

Words to live by.

2008-03-19T03:35:00.005-04:00

Explosives, guns, assassination, conspiracy, primers, detonators, initiators, main charge, nuclear charges, ambush, sniping, motorcade, IRS, BATF, jtf-6, mjtf, hrt, srt, hostages, munitions, weapons, TNT, rdx, amfo, hmtd, picric acid, silver nitrite, mercury fulminate, presidential motorcade, salt peter, charcoal, sulfur, c4, composition b, amatol, petn, lead azide, lead styphante, ddnp, tetryl, nitrocellulose, nitrostarch, mines, grenades, rockets, fuses, delay mechanism, mortars, rpg7, propellants, incendiaries, incendiary device, thermite, security forces, intelligence, agencies, hrt, resistance, psyops, infiltration, assault team, defensive elements, evasion, detection, mission, communications, the football, platter charge, shaped charges, m118, claymore, body armor, charges, shrapnel, timers, timing devices, boobytraps, detcord, pmk 40, silencers, Uzi, HK-MP5, AK-47, FAL, Jatti, Skorpion MP, teflon bullets, cordite, napalm, law, Stingers, RPK, SOCIMI 821 SMG, STEN, BAR, MP40, HK-G3,FN-MAG, RPD,PzB39, Air Force One, M60, RPK74, SG530, SG540, Galil arm, Walther WA2000, HK33KE, Parker-Hale MOD. 82, AKR, Ingram MAC10, M3, L34A1, Walther MPL, AKS-74, HK-GR6, subsonic rounds, ballistic media, special forces, JFKSWC, SFOD-D, SRT, Rewson, SAFE, Waihopai, INFOSEC, ASPIC, Information Security, SAI, IW, IS, Privacy, Information Terrorism, Kenya, Terrorism, Defensive Information, Defense Information Warfare, Offensive Information, Offensive Information Warfare, NAIA, SAPM, ASU, ECHELON ASTS, National Information Infrastructure, InfoSec, SAO, Reno, Compsec, JICS, Computer Terrorism, Firewalls, Secure Internet Connections, RSP, ISS, JDF, Passwords, NAAP, DefCon V, RSO, Hackers, Encryption, ASWS, Espionage, USDOJ, NSA, CIA, S/Key, SSL, FBI, Secret Service, USSS, Defcon, Military, White House, Undercover, NCCS, Mayfly, PGP, SALDV, PEM, resta, RSA, Perl-RSA, MSNBC, bet, AOL, AOL TOS, CIS, CBOT, AIMSX, STARLAN, 3B2, BITNET, Tanzania, SAMU, COSMOS, DATTA, E911, FCIC, HTCIA, IACIS, UT/RUS, JANET, ram, JICC, ReMOB, LEETAC, UTU, VNET, BRLO, SADCC, NSLEP, SACLANTCEN, FALN, 877, NAVELEXSYSSECENGCEN, BZ, CANSLO, CBNRC, CIDA, JAVA, rsta, Active X, Compsec 97, RENS, LLC, DERA, JIC, rip, rb, Wu, RDI, Mavricks, BIOL, Meta-hackers, ^?, SADT, Steve Case, Tools, ECCEX, Telex, OTAN, monarchist, NMIC, NIOG, IDB, MID/KL, NADIS, NMI, SEIDM, BNC, CNCIS, STEEPLEBUSH, RG, BSS, DDIS, mixmaster, BCCI, BRGE, SARL, Military Intelligence, JICA, Scully, recondo, Flame, Infowar, Bubba, Freeh, Archives, ISADC, CISSP, Sundevil, jack, Investigation, JOTS, ISACA, NCSA, ASVC, spook words, RRF, 1071, Bugs Bunny, Verisign, Secure, ASIO, Lebed, ICE, NRO, Lexis-Nexis, NSCT, SCIF, FLiR, JIC, bce, Lacrosse, Flashbangs, HRT, IRA, EODG, DIA, USCOI, CID, BOP, FINCEN, FLETC, NIJ, ACC, AFSPC, BMDO, site, SASSTIXS, NAVWAN, NRL, RL, VWCWPNS, NSWC, USAFA, AHPCRC, ARPA, SARD, LABLINK, USACIL, SAPT, USCG, NRC, ~, O, NSA/CSS, CDC, DOE, SAAM, FMS, HPCC, NTIS, SEL, USCODE, CISE, SIRC, CIM, ISN, DJC, bemd, SGC, UNCPCJ, CFC, SABENA, DREO, CDA, SADRS, DRA, SHAPE, bird dog, SACLANT, BECCA, DCJFTF, HALO, SC, TA SAS, Lander, GSM, T Branch, AST, SAMCOMM, HAHO, FKS, 868, CHQ, DITSA, SORT, AMEMB, NSG, HIC, EDI, benelux, SAS, SBS, SAW, UDT, EODC, GOE, DOE, SAMF, GEO, JRB, 3P-HV, Masuda, Forte, AT, GIGN, Exon Shell, radint, MB, CQB, CONUS, CTU, RCMP, GRU, SASR, GSG-9, 22nd SAS, GEOS, EADA, SART, BBE, STEP, Echelon, Dictionary, MD2, MD4, MDA, diwn, 747, ASIC, 777, RDI, 767, MI5, 737, MI6, 757, Kh-11, EODN, SHS, ^X, Shayet-13, SADMS, Spetznaz, Recce, 707, CIO, NOCS, Halcon, NSS, Duress, RAID, Uziel, wojo, Psyops, SASCOM, grom, NSIRL, D-11, SERT, VIP, ARC, S.E.T. 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With all these lovely words now appearing in searches of my blog, I can finally add all the good, hard working people over at CSIS to my ever-growing list of fans, well-wishers, groupies and subscribers. Hi folks!

I have psychic powers.

2008-03-19T02:25:00.000-04:00

You are now breathing manually. You are now blinking manually. Your head itches. The Final Countdown is playing in your head.

Step 1: Build meatballs. Step 2: Rule Universe

2008-03-03T12:19:00.017-05:00

I would like to share with you a splendid recipe for Swedish meatballs that I carry around with me everywhere in my wallet. It's the only thing I keep in my wallet actually. In fact I bought this wallet just to safely house and protect the little blue cue card the recipe is written on. I may stack paper to the roof and ride on 10 inch chrome but any self-respecting gangsta carries a roll.

There's a story behind how I acquired this recipe. Back when I was working with World Vision I was out in some suburb or other in the middle of nowhere a couple of hours drive away from Toronto. It was quite cold outside, being late in the fall and all that, and a very nice lady who's name I wish I remembered invited me in to have dinner with her husband and kids. We ate these meatballs and I liked them so much I asked for the recipe.

That's the story. It's not funny or even very engaging or anything. Just sweet. Thank you nice lady. You're a (meat)ballin' OG. Respec'.

Meatballs (köttbullar):
1lb ground, cooked ham
1lb ground pork
2 cups of bread crumbs
1 cup of milk
2 eggs, beaten like an autistic stepchild
1 teaspoon salt
Bake uncovered for 40-60 minutes at 350 degrees Celsius. I am giving you the benefit of the doubt that you can operate an oven without incident. Don't let me down.

Sauce (sås):
2 1/4 cups of brown sugar
1 cup of water
1 cup of white vinegar
1 tablespoon of dry mustard
Boil this in a pot stirring frequently until it's mixed nicely and a good consistency, then pour it on the meatballs.

So there you have it. I recommend eating them with a side of fried rice and a side of broccoli with melted cheese and maybe a glass of wine. Enjoy.

For those of you who were reading this in the hopes of a meat or balls joke, you are all horrible human beings.

Non-Prophet Irreligious Disorganization

2008-02-10T23:40:00.005-05:00

Goddamnit.

I don't want to write shit for you fuckers. I'm lazy. I know I haven't updated in weeks, I've got other priorities and actually finishing writing new things is just too boring so here's some old stuff I wrote about that loser God. I know a few of you have seen versions of this but most of you haven't so shut your food holes and like it.

"...And every Golden Apple Corps is the beloved home of a golden worm" --Pentabarf

God is a word. It means many things to many people.

For some people God appears to be more or less a human -- but is most definitely a DUDE with a big white beard (and a big white cock)-- and gets really angry and throws childish tantrums a lot and will torture you for eternity if you do anything off of a very long and often contradictory list seemingly made up at random. This God also seems to have an unhealthy obsession with feces.

Then there are those who enjoy saying "god is love" and other such feelgooderies.

Then there are all the worldly pantheons and what have you, but that's still just anthropomorphizing an abstract concept so I'll just go ahead and lump them all in with the poop guy.

I've heard that God is in the details, or that it's the word for describing that weird stream of consciousness behind your internal monologue that's sort of "reading" the internal monologue. I like that one. It's spooky.

I've heard that science proves the so-called order of the universe, and that the patterns themselves, throughout all of Space-Time, comprise some incomprehensible entity that can be called Universe, Tellurian, Creation, God, France, The Smooth, Refreshing Taste of Coca-Cola (TM) , Goatse photoshopped into a constellation in the night sky, A finely grilled steak, Nascar or Winston Churchill's third cousin twice removed on his mother's father's side. Subscribers to the concept of a holographic reality would say thats even literally true.

And if we acknowledge the holographic nature of Space-Time and at the same time recognize that same nature within our minds, then all of these ideas are of equal relevance and value. Each contains as much capital T Truth as any other (and there not being any capital T Truth save for what you make yourself means that yes, most of it is still really stupid) and none is unworthy of contemplation.

So God is One. You need not "believe" or "disbelieve" God for to do so is One and the same. It is irrelevant whether to you God manifests as a man with a fancy trident -- or some other phallus, or as a quiet inner peace, or an earth mother, or the seemingly random patterns of quarks, or as our conscious or unconscious minds; the universe's immense, unfolding pattern becoming self-aware incarnate in silly, hairless monkeys playing dress-up.

So do I believe in God? Nope, not me.

Also, this.

Cretaceous Crocodiles Batman!

2008-02-10T05:24:00.019-05:00

Gather round you inebriated philistines: I come bearing Truth.

Today's lesson is about big ass crocodiles.

"Once I thought that to be human was the highest aim a man could have, but I see now that it was meant to destroy me. Today I am proud to say that I am inhuman, that I belong not to men and governments, that I have nothing to do with creeds and principles. I have nothing to do with the creaking machinery of humanity - I belong to the earth! I say that lying on my pillow and I can feel the horns sprouting from my temples. I can see about me all those cracked forbears of mine dancing around the bed, consoling me, egging me on, lashing me with their serpent tongues, grinning and leering at me with their skulking skulls. I am inhuman! I say it with a mad, hallucinated grin, and I will keep on saying it though it rains crocodiles." ~Henry Miller, The Tropic of Cancer

Crocodiles first came to planet Earth in their space spheres during the Mid-Triassic precisely 230 million years, three weeks and two days before Jesus, though Satanic evolutionists would have you believe they merely evolved from an ornithosuchian-type of thecodontian at around the same time. Way to make up words you silly evolutionists. Regardless, crocodiles can pretty safely be called the most successful of archeosaurs because all the other representatives of that group are dead, mulched and powering our cars.

Crocodiles, much like sharks, have simply been too bad ass to change much through out their evolution and their structure has always been remarkably consistent. Although your average, street smart 21st century crocodile is primarily aquatic, waddling around on land with its funny little legs, old school crocodiles began as small terrestrial carnivores. They had long, slim, uncomfortably sexy hind legs and were more than capable of running on them to catch prey.

All crocodiles (even the ones from space) possess elongated, low set, disproportionately-fucking-massive skulls built by Lockheed Martin to resist the ridiculous pressure generated during the powerful snapping shut of their preposterously enormous jowls. Crocodiles' jaw muscles attach far back on the skull, allowing the jaws to be opened wide to deal with large prey. A secondary bone palate separates the mouth and nasal passages. This allows the animal to eat and breathe at the same time. How cool is that?

Well it gets better. There are four types of crocodile that I am going to talk about today and they are all about the size of a Tyrannosaurus Rex.

Deinosuchus (Kingdom: Anamalia, Phylum: Chordata, Class: Sauropsida, Order Crocodilia, Sub order: Eusuchia, Superfamily: Alligatoroidea. Genus: Deinosuchus) is the first of these huge ass lizards I'm going to talk about. It was discovered by Holland in 1909 in the Judith River Formation at Willow Creek, Montana. Specimens have also been found in Alabama, Georgia, New Jersey, New Mexico, North Carolina, Wyoming and Regular Mexico in both marine and freshwater deposits. For several decades it was believed to be the most massive crocodilian that ever lived. It is quite likely that the other crocodiles I'm going to talk about were as large or larger but accurate comparison is impossible as only the Sarcosuchus genus has been found with a largely complete skeleton.

Deinosuchus is known mostly through careful examining of its skull material. Its skull is more that 2 metres long and unlike other crocodiles it had a broad snout. The animal's total length is estimated at around 10 to 12 metres. For some comparison the largest living reptile, the saltwater crocodile, barely grows to a pathetic 5 metres long. Only twice the size of Deinosuchus' head. Deinosuchus' skull is more or less proportionate to the modern Nile crocodile, a "generalist carnivore" that hunts large mammals like wildebeest and zebra as well as smaller fish, crustaceans, oddly shaped rocks and anything else that gets too close.

Like modern crocodiles and Hillary Rodham Clinton (hah pwnd! Topical humour > real humour), Deinosuchus is thought to have lived primarily in and around water, waiting patiently for its prey to believe it safe enough to come down to the waters edge. Its diet presumably consisted mostly of fish and hadrosaurs. The strength of its jaws, along with its large, blunt teeth and the standard crocodile technique of spinning lengthwise to tear off large chunks of flesh imply that it could well have taken on animals larger than itself with contemptuous ease.

Next up, the mighty Perussaurus. It has the same animal class crap as Deinosuchus so fuck you I'm not typing those stupid words again. Scroll up if you care. Yes I could have copy/pasted. Yes I have wasted more time and space typing this than I would have retyping everything over. Die.

Perussaurus mostly chilled out in the Amazon basin about 200 million years ago during the totally kickin' Miocene epoch. It is also only known through skull reconstructions and a few vertebrae and ribs. Perussaurus is boring and I don't want to write about it any more.

BAM! Right out of fucking nowhere you've been eaten by a fucking Rhamphosuchus. Deal with it. And what in the name of Isaac Newton is a Rhamphosuchus you ask? Why it's any one of a dozen 18th century opal statuettes of the Virgin Mary you glue huffing barnacles. What else would I be writing about?
Stomping in at an estimated 15 to 18 metres long Rhamphosuchus could eat the entire supporting cast of the hit TV series "House" and still have room in its cavernous maw for a bus load of orphans. Now just as a point of reference, the so called Tyrant Lizard, the T-Rex, only ever grew to about 15 metres from nose to tail. In the Octagon, Ramphosuchus is a full shoulder, head and some teeth above poor ol' Rex. This thing is god damn zilla on stilts.

Ramphosuchus is yet another big reptile. I can't say all big lizards are the same, because that would be prejudice. But we all really think it even if we don't say it. Admit it: You wouldn't understand the differences between these animals if I told you. If I said that Ramphosuchus was an evolutionary relative of the gharial and false gharial, what would you say?

"Why Gorilla Serialist that's very interesting as a matter of fact and I'm pleased as punch you brought it up. Why, did you know the gharial (Gavialis gangeticus), sometimes called the Indian gharial or gavial, is one of two surviving members of the family Gavialidae, a long-established group of crocodile-like reptiles with long, narrow jaws. The gharial is the second-longest of all living crocodilians: a large male can approach 6 meters in length.?"

Well congratulations you just quoted Wikipedia word for word, somehow turned it into an answer for a question I never asked, tacked a question mark on the end and then you were too slothful to even switch to Canadian spelling. Bravo you dope-slinging necrophiles! You flatulating brains! you lazy, long-winded, lily livered, literature lifting Luddites! You pernicious, parroting, pill-popping, poppycock proliferating, plagiarizing pipsqueaks! You bombastic, boring, boondoggle-blathering bone-headed buffoons! Go learn something you sycophantic savages. All you do is fuck and poop.

Not that there's anything wrong with fucking. Or poop. Or fucking poop. To each their own you copious copulating coprophiliacs.

Anyway there's another crocodile called Sarcosuchus and it was pretty big too.

I wrote a whole Wikipedia article about it here.

This article is dedicated to Nicole because she's probably going to beat me up for forgetting to hang out with her and writing it instead.

Somnambulist preambles: satire Satori.

2008-02-06T01:02:00.001-05:00

Sunshine and lollipops kiddies! You must have been extra nice to deserve this. Oh yes.

People often stop me in the street and say "Gorilla Serialist, we care ever so very much what you think about random subjects. You should publish some kind of hebdomadary Public Service Announcement as a means to share your resplendent cognizance, sublime acumen and impeccable taste with us, the feces spattered miscreants of the body politic. Please judge us. Spit on us."

Well you're in luck all you sphacelating brains. It has come to my attention that I am infinitely superior to you in every way and that you noxious whelps couldn't help but benefit from being exposed to even my most inane of ramblings. Therefore, as part of my never ending Promethean crusade to bring Truth and Justice to the universe, I have taken it upon myself to pen a humble blog.

I am become Macbeth. No man of woman born shall harm me and I shall be bloody, bold and resolute. I am your Hammurabi, your Moses, your moral compass. I am your id and your superego. I am standing on both your shoulders and I love salt. I am the soul benefactor of quality stimulation in your abyssal sham of a fetid meat sack life so you will listen to me and you will thank me for the opportunity to do so. I am the Metatron.

Here, atop my impenetrable soap box bastion I will abuse, insult, humiliate, ridicule, deride, degrade, belittle, taunt, mock, chide, roast, berate, castigate, emasculate, objurgate and lambaste you. I will write you things. I will show you things. I will teach you things. I will tell you the Truth. I will tell you that I am telling you the Truth. I will teach you how to cook, how to clean and how to dress all by your self.

Mostly though I will post things that I like, talk about things you don't understand, soil your mind with dirty pictures and debaucherous smut and then you will thank me for it because deep down in your lizard brain you know it will make you a better person.

You're welcome.